Happy post-Memorial Day Tuesday, and what better way to finish off the day than with some Nightcaps.
I’ve gotten a tap on the shoulder to deputize for Zach and Amber this week, and just like you, I’m settling back into work after one hell of a holiday weekend.
On Monday, the wife and I had some friends over to stately Reigle Manor (our rented townhome), and I got up nice and early to tend to a pork butt and a turkey breast, which I must say came out perfectly.
I’ve smoked a few pork butts, and I think the planets just aligned on this one; it was *chef’s kiss* perfection.
ARE PEOPLE WHO PARK ON STREETS FACING THE WRONG WAY THE WORST PEOPLE ON EARTH?
We played some games, including one called Quiplash that’s on Netflix — which people forget has games; I certainly did — where you write quips and try to out-funny your competitors.
It was a great time, though, as a fella who earns his money word-writin’, I was sweating it a little bit. I couldn’t lay an egg. It’d be like if a dude who plays in the NBA goes to Dave & Buster’s and throws brick after brick while playing Pop-A-Shot with his pals.
It means nothing, but it would be embarrassing as hell.
I’m happy to say I survived, but ashamed to say I did not win.
Funny enough, another game we played involved drawing, and my wife — a real-deal professional artist — had this exact feeling.
But, even if I had embarrassed myself, it would take more than a shot to the ego to kill the buzz I was feeling from Sunday’s Indianapolis 500.
Good. Lord.
I watch a lot of racing (in fact, at one point on Sunday I was juggling the Indy 500 and the F1 race between my TV and an iPad), but there is just nothing like Indy.
I mean, I think I watched that final lap at least 10 to 12 times and will continue to, because it was mind-blowing.
Here’s race-winner Felix Rosenqvist’s onboard camera from the final lap. It’s the stuff of legend.
Rosenqvist is a great driver, but until Sunday was believed by many to be on the bubble as far as re-signing next season.
Well, I don’t think that’s much of a concern anymore.
Now, while we’ve got Indy on the brain, let’s check in on the top-finishing woman in Indy 500 history…
Danica Patrick was in Speedway, Indiana, this weekend to hop on Fox’s Indy 500 coverage, and once the race was in the books, she clearly had some gas left in the tank.
MLB reporter Tricia Whitaker (another OutKick favorite; this is like the Nightcaps version of when Thor shows up in a Captain America movie) shared a clip on social media of Danica hopping on stage and belting out some tunes.
I’ve said it many times: I feel like every American — and an estimated 1 in 1,000 do every year — should make a pilgrimage to the Indianapolis 500, and if the race and this video don’t sell you on that, I’m not sure what will.
I went in 2021, and it was incredible. You roll in early in the morning, have whatever cold beverage makes you happy, and eat a pork tenderloin sandwich all before like 10 a.m..
Then you have what year after year is one of the most entertaining races on the motorsports calendar, and then you can go to a bar and watch Danica Patrick sit in with the band.
I legitimately do not know what else you could ask for.
Actually, if you asked for anything else, you’d be unreasonable. There, I said it.
I’ve heard that there are many ways to skin a cat (which is such a weird saying; at some point in history, there was so much cat-skinning going on that everyone had their own method), but I thought there was only one way to apply toothpaste.
You grabbed your free toothbrush with your dentist’s name printed on it, grabbed the tube of Colgate Optic White in the other, then squeezed a pea-sized amount on the bristles. Then you brushed until the end of a song on the radio, spit out frothiness, then went on with your day.
Wrong.
Phillies star Bryce Harper was live-streaming from the bathroom and started brushing his teeth.
But it was the way he applied toothpaste that melted brains.
That’s right: toothpaste straight to the food hole.
This made me realize that I’ve never really seen that many people apply toothpaste, but I still thought we all did it the same way.
That said, I could be convinced that this is a big-brain move from Harper.
One thing that I hate is when a glob of toothpaste falls off your brush and into the sink. This happens to me when I put toothpaste on the brush, then hit it with a quick burst of water (a move I have done my entire life and can’t explain why. It’s like I think this activates the toothpaste or something).
But Bryce never has this problem because he skips the brush entirely.
Just a note to any Phillies reading this: Maybe don’t borrow Bryce’s tube of toothpaste if you forget yours.
ZERO BS. JUST DAKICH. TAKE THE DON’T @ ME PODCAST ON THE ROAD. DOWNLOAD NOW!
Autographs are kind of weird when you really think about them. Like, I’ve got a lot of signed stuff too, but the way having someone write their name on something increases the value of an otherwise run-of-the-mill baseball or poster or hockey puck, or in some cases, a pair of breasts is wild.
Actually, it might decrease the value of that last example, the more I think about it.
But this has led to autograph hounds who harass celebrities for autographs and then turn around and sell them on eBay.
Well, Russell Crowe has had about enough and laid down the law with some autograph seekers in Paris.
First of all, Russell Crowe just rolling out of a restaurant with what looks like drink spills all over his shirt rules.
Now, he got some guff for this, but I loved it.
When you break it down, all he was asking was for everyone to behave like civilized people as opposed to Walking Dead zombies with issues of People magazine and some Sharpies.
What’s wrong with that?
Plus, he reportedly signed everything, so who cares?
Personally, I think a sign of maturity is realizing that if you celebrity, you don’t have to have them sign a napkin or shove a camera in their face.
Just politely and discreetly be like, “Hey, just wanted to say I love your work and it’s an honor to meet you,” then offer a nice crisp handshake.
You instantly come off as 1,000% cooler and less of a pain because you’re not asking them for anything. Heck, you might even end up scoring a minute or two of actual conversation.
Sure, you don’t have a slip of paper with their name scratched on it, but you do have a memory and some dignity.
It’s been a minute since I’ve been to a concert, but I remember at least a few shows I went to thinking, “My mosh pit days are behind me…”
I’d like to thank this dude for making me feel confident in this assessment.
I saw this video of some small-ish metal or hardcore show where people are moshing… sort of.
I’ve been in mosh pits before, but no one was acting like they were trying to Steven Seagal karate or were being eaten alive by a colony of fire ants.
But that’s what was going on here, but keep an eye on the kid toward the back.
It might make you want to wear a cup the next time you go to a concert.
Something tells me that dude didn’t make any new friends that night.
Although, as I said, I haven’t moshed in a while, so maybe this is just what the kids are into nowadays.
I love impressions.
I do some of my own, but most of them are of dead people for some reason.
MARK NORMAND SAYS LATE NIGHT IS ‘DYING’ — HOW THE STAND-UP COMIC KEEPS UP IN A CHANGING COMEDY SCENE
Larry Fine, Johnny Carson, Vincent Price, Ed Wynn, Paul Lynde, etc.
You know, all the ones that drive the ladies wild.
But when it comes to impressions of wrestlers, there are two top dogs: comedians Dan Soder and Will Sasso.
Podcaster Chris Van Vliet had them both on his show, “Insight with Chris Van Vliet,”, and it was great.
Of course, sometimes, it’s not just about the impression, but what you say while doing the impression.
Which is why reading Charles Manson quotes in the voice of “Macho Man” Randy Savage is gold, Jerry.
So good, and it’s really creepy how well that worked.
Also, if you want another hilarious impression from Will Sasso, go look up “Kenny Rogers Jackass” from his MadTV days.
It’s not an accurate impression, but it’s hilarious.
Now, just because we mentioned Charles Manson does not mean I’m going to shoehorn in that clip where he gets up and starts dancing in the middle of an interview.
I mean, we’ve all seen it, and it adds nothing to this story…
…alright, fine. I can’t help myself.
…
That’s it for this edition of Nightcaps!
See you tomorrow!
