It’s finally Friday, so let’s end this week on a high note with another edition of Nightcaps!
Isn’t it wild how, despite it being a holiday week wherein many of us only have to work for four days, things just drag?
I’m not sure what it is, but Memorial Day already feels like it was a month ago.
But hey, that’s what happens when you’ve got your nose to the proverbial grindstone, and boy, have we ever this week.
I feel like I’ve been working from the time I wake up until the time I go to sleep, and that included the very last thing I do before going to sleep (unless you count listening to old-timey radio shows through my Bluetooth sleeping mask, in which case it was the second to last thing).
All week, we’ve been talking about Bryce Harper’s bizarre toothpaste habit where he squirts the toothpaste straight into his mouth instead of on the bristles.
A reader tried it out on Thursday, so I figured I had to do my job as a Big J Journalist and do it myself.
So last night, as I was brushing my teeth in my sink and my wife in hers, I switched things up and shot a glob of Colgate Optic White straight into my mouth.
My wife looked at me like I was insane.
“It’s for work,” I said.
That’s one of the best things about this job, by the way. I wasn’t lying. Nor was I lying when I mixed up a Cuban sandwich mimosa at 10 a.m. on a Tuesday or when I had to sift through Instagram models’ pages for gold.
Anyway, I was hoping for some sort of life-altering epiphany that this was the way to do toothpaste, but I did not get there. It actually felt kind of awkward because I have been brushing my teeth one way twice a day for 30 years, so switching things up felt like trying to write your name with your left hand when you’re right-handed.
Maybe try the Harper method for yourself, but don’t expect to come away with a life-altering experience… it was kind of dumb of me to expect that, honestly.
There is no singular comedy bit more famous, repeated and parodied than Abbot and Costello’s “Who’s on first?” bit.
If you really think about it, it makes no sense. I mean, we’re supposed to believe there’s a guy named “I Don’t Know” on third?
I get it, but it’s hard to wrap your mind around the fact that, at the time, for a lot of people, this was the funniest thing that had ever been created in the history of mankind up to that point.
GUESS WHICH ‘HAPPY DAYS’ STAR JUST SHOT A NUDE SCENE (SORRY, LADIES; IT WASN’T DON MOST)
While it feels dated, it’s a great bit by vaudeville standards, and now, after all of these years, Who — or rather, Hu — is finally on first.
How great is that?
While I was sawing logs, dreaming about being a Viking or going to algebra class without pants on, the folks at Jeff Bezos’ space company, Blue Origin — *Andrew Dice Clay voice* It need duh money!!!! — was preparing to launch a payload of satellites into orbit from Cape Canaveral.
It did not go well.
Alright, an “anomaly.”
Well, what kind of anomaly were we talking about?
…Oh yeah, that’s a big anomaly.
I’m not going to sit here and play armchair rocket scientist, but you usually don’t want rockets doing that.
The aftermath is not pretty, and unfortunately, this could have some serious consequences for Blue Origin and NASA too as we work toward putting astronauts on the moon once again.
That’s bad, but it’s not quite as bad as I was expecting. From the explosion, I didn’t think you’d be able to see any living vegetation in that photo. I thought everything that you’d be able to fit in frame would just be matchsticks.
Still, a huge bummer and maybe the “anomaly” of the century so far.
I think it’s always good to put things in perspective, and if you had a tough week, at least be thankful you didn’t get stuck on a roller coaster.
Especially not on the vertical lift hill.
I’m becoming less of a roller coaster guy than I used to be, and this is not helping me put a stop to that.
My wife and I went on the newly Muppet-ized Rock ‘N’ Roller Coaster at Disney’s Hollywood Studios recently, and while I had been on that ride many times when it was Aerosmith-themed, I hopped out of it woozy as hell.
Same track. Older Matt.
And that’s a roller coaster that is low to the ground. This kind of nonsense where I could get stuck up in the air like that and get motion sickness?
Nah, I think I’m going to pass on that.
Plus, they won’t even let you eat McNuggets on them anymore.
Speaking of roller coasters, we’ve got a fella who earned a lifetime ban from Six Flags — do you realize what you have to do to get banned from Six Flags — and it was all because he let other idiots on the internet tell him what to do.
A follower told him to eat McNuggets while on a roller coaster, and when a random person tells you to do something on social media, you have to do it.
Sorry, those are the rules. I don’t make them.
So, Allen Ferrell crammed some chicken nuggets in his pants and hopped on a roller coaster.
I think what got him banned was splashing sweet-and-sour sauce all over the people behind him, but I’m personally in favor of banning anyone who does something stupid somewhere in the name of social media clicks from that place.
Oh, what’s that? You need to visit the emergency room? Well, you should have thought of that before you ran through the waiting room in an inflatable T-Rex costume.
Let’s end on a high note…
We’ve talked about explosions and roller coasters and idiots eating McNuggets on a roller coaster, so let’s wrap up with the kind of thing that will send you into the weekend on a high note…
Dogs trying lemons!
ZERO BS. JUST DAKICH. TAKE THE DON’T @ ME PODCAST ON THE ROAD. DOWNLOAD NOW!
This has joined the pantheon of funny things dogs can do. It’s up there with kicking over obstacle course cones and playing poker in paintings.
…
That’s it for this Friday edition of Nightcaps!
Have a great weekend!
