We were in the Tiffany & Co. flagship in Manhattan, enjoying brunch, when I heard (and felt) it. My five-month-old had just blown through his diaper, which promptly began emptying itself onto Tiffany’s marble floors. There was only one bathroom, and it was all the way across the store. How was I going to get him there without making an even bigger mess? I don’t know. I think I blacked out.
Traumatized as I was at the time, the infamous “Blowout at Tiffany’s” is now one of my favorite memories and stories, in part because it sums up my experience as a young mom so far: every challenge I’ve had raising and nurturing this little life ends up yielding far more joy than it steals—many times over.
That’s something I wish more young women my age knew about motherhood.
As it stands, young women in my generation, Gen Z, are the least likely group in the U.S. to say they desire marriage and children, according to a new report from Independent Women released last month. That’s a shocking demographic shift with profound implications for our politics and culture. And it sets young women apart from even their Gen Z male peers, who are much more open to building a family, according to polling.
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The most common reasons these women give for their shift in priorities are career impact and financial strain, the Independent Women report said. But from the many conversations I’ve had with my own friends on this topic, I’ve realized that these concerns—understandable though they might be—are really just surface-level excuses masking the real reason many young women want to delay or forgo motherhood altogether: they’re worried the inconveniences and sacrifices that motherhood requires are a challenge that just isn’t worth it.
This mindset is all over our social media feeds, where the DINK (short for “dual income, no kids”) lifestyle is glamorized and where mommy bloggers and influencers who do have children often post only about the difficulties of parenthood in order to “keep things real.” Some have even taken to labeling their content as a “free birth control advertisement.”
Or consider this article from New York magazine’s The Cut, headlined “I Regret Having Children,” in which one mom complains that having a baby is “hell,” and another sourly states, “I gave up everything I liked about my life to make children fit into it.”
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Unfortunately, young women like myself are inundated with this constant stream of negativity, especially online. In fact, I hadn’t realized how much it had affected my own expectations of motherhood until, a couple of weeks after bringing my newborn home, I realized the so-called “trenches” I had been dreading were much more like the glory I had dreamed of.
Of course, motherhood has its moments. It is not all snuggles and tiny baby feet. It is also blowouts, sleep regressions and teething—all of which test your limits, only to leave you with far more grace, patience and caffeine dependence than you had before.
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And that’s the message missing from our culture today: the discomfort and challenges that children bring are the very things that make motherhood so great.
For my generation especially, looking at motherhood this way requires a complete mental reset. As Gen Zers, we’ve grown used to having our every inconvenience addressed almost instantly. But nurturing a little life isn’t something you can click and swipe your way through. Quite the opposite: raising a baby requires, more than anything, presence. It demands attention, focus, time and energy like no other job. You will be needed in a way you have never been needed before, and you will have to pour yourself out again and again to meet those needs. And you will feel more fulfilled than you ever have because of it.
It just so happens that spending less time thinking about ourselves is a really good thing. This isn’t to say young women must let their children become tyrants who run their lives in order to be good moms. But in many cases, it seems young women have become so worried about losing their lives to motherhood that they’ve stopped living. They’ve settled for a stagnant but comfortable version—one that includes a full night of sleep, one to two vacations a year and no childcare concerns—instead of chasing the very thing we were put here to experience: growth.
I know what my choice is, and I couldn’t be happier with it.
