Where are all my 38-year-old millennial moms at? Hilary Duff lit up Instagram Tuesday with a content dump that has the suburban moms talking, that’s for sure. With a new album and an upcoming summer tour of mostly suburban amphitheaters, Duff, 38, is about to have a monster summer.
I have to give Duff credit. While plenty of Gen X celebrities turned into self-help gurus and save the world types, she hasn’t turned into some Trump-bashing ultra-LIB who tells us about everything that is wrong in the world. She pops up on Instagram with content from her life, no “Save Ukraine” flags (that I can find), and she’s proud of being hot.
Too many times, these A-listers will turn like 33 and all of a sudden they seem to think it’s time to start praying to imaginary butterflies and drinking cucumber water to stave off cancer. In 2022, Duff appeared naked on the cover of Women’s Health with just an arm bra. That was right in the middle of the full-on woke era where normally these covers were reserved for trans models.
Now here we are in 2026 and Duff’s on top of her game while so many others have faded away. The summer tour is just what millennial moms need: a night away from the kids to suck down some Surfside vodka lemonades as the sun sets on another day of life while listening to music from one of their heroes. Guys, do yourself a favor and tell your millennial wife to gather up some friends to catch a Duff tour stop. Encourage it. Tell the ladies you’ll drive the minivan.
This will all pay off when you want to get away for a golf trip. Trust me.
Two of the top mowers in the league sent the smallest envelopes they could find. I’m seriously stunned by how inept they are with envelopes considering how smart they are with mowing. The mowing talent just isn’t translating to the secretarial side of life.
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– Harvey D. is in my old stomping grounds this week: Spotted this gem in the paint aisle at the Home Depot #notsponsored in Beavertucky (Beavercreek OH for those of you outside the Greater Dayton Area). Raise Hell and Praise Dale!!
Hell yes I have. We have a living room I haven’t used since Christmas 2024. Meanwhile, I just keep staring out the backdoor at the patio and what my life will be like once the rain stops and summer kicks in. I’ll be on that patio until 10-10:30 nearly every single night. I’ll just sit there looking into space. I’ll stare at the flowers and listen to the birds chirp until they fall asleep.
For you young millennials who are house hunting, I cannot emphasize enough how important that patio is going to be in your life. I know you’re looking at suburban houses with a slab off the kitchen that will barely fit a patio set. Do yourself a favor and set aside enough money to double whatever size patio you end up buying with the house she wants.
TRUST ME. Find a concrete guy and get it scheduled. Then, I want you to get on AI and tell it to pick the right shade tree, the perfect grasses and plants for that area. Get your shade tree in the ground NOW. Prices are skyrocketing. Plant it now and by the time you’re 38 like Hilary Duff, you’ll be in business. TRUST ME.
– Nick asks: Is there a fast food restaurant that you wish you lived closer to in your area? For example, mine would be Arby’s and Burger King.
Kinsey: Dave’s Cosmic Subs. It’s a regional sandwich shop. I think they originated out of Cleveland. We had one for a few years right down the road and then it disappeared. Now Dave’s stores are back in the Toledo area, but we have to go downtown to get sandwiches. That’s a hassle. By the way, how about the prices of subs these days. Woof.
– Phil S. in Florida offers perspective: It’s been around 10 years since I’ve been to a wedding. While there was some fun, I left at the end exhausted and thinking that party kinda sucked. It was a lot of work. The bride was a friend and coworker, the groom was (not kidding) a random guy who walked into our store that I gave her number to. As Cupid this made me the Man of honor for the bride while he had a Best Maid, kinda cute idea I guess. This meant that I was part of the wedding, the reception, every damn picture, and someone every stranger there wanted to talk to. I couldn’t wait to leave.
Then there is the expense of attending a wedding, that’s magnified when you have a role in it. Forget buying a gift that covers the cost of you being there like normal. The wedding party has to up the gift game. So I dropped a bunch of money to stand silently next to some people during a ceremony, then stand under a spotlight for strangers at a party that I just wanted to get drunk at. Years later a quote would find me that really hit home. During The Last Dance documentary, Jerry Reinsdorf, owner of my Sox and Bulls said “If someone doesn’t invite me to a wedding, I’d like to thank them.” Hammer meets nail right there. Any your not invited cards basically means the couple likes you too much to make you attend a wedding, and should be replied to with thank you cards.
– Screencaps Ragnar Relay Greg emails: Is Ella Langley going to be someone like Zooey Deschanel whose looks are going to be largely defined by her bangs? Seriously – look for pictures of Zooey with and without bangs. She looks like two different people!
Mike T. in Idaho wants us to ponder this one. Do you care if the car you’re driving doesn’t have a rear window? Personally, I’d like to see if there’s a cop behind me, but I’m told you’re supposed to look at a dash screen or something like that.
– Jim Mac checks in: My wife (Vietnamese) says the sandwich is made out of pork. They ground the meat to it’s really fine as a paste, seasoned with fish sauce and peppers, then wrapped it in plastic wrap and banana leaves then steamed it for a few hours and it done
– John C. says: I dated a Vietnamese girl for a while long ago when I was in college. The unknown meat is a ground pork sausage called cha lua. The color makes it look sketchy, but it is actually very tasty. If you ever run across it you should give it a shot.
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That is it this morning. The emailers are starting to get back into the game. Last week was a struggle, but here we are gaining our traction again. The vibes are improving. I’m starting to think about life and the outside world again. The Zooms have slowed. Life is starting to get back into a groove.
Let’s go out and finish April strong. You only get two more days before we flip the calendar to what I consider the start of summer. I can feel it in my soul. Those patio nights are calling my name. Go have a great day.
