Let’s get Tuesday Screencaps cranked up with Danica Patrick showing up to Indianapolis Motor Speedway for her Fox Indy 500 work duties looking like a fat, purple-haired LIB’s worst nightmare. You guys know Danica’s been in the gym. She lives the MAHA lifestyle. We show you guys her insane gym workouts.
I knew Danica, 44, has been getting shredded, but what she unleashed Monday from the Fox set was the results of the offseason reps where Danica gets on a dip machine with 45-pound plates chained to a weight belt.
She’s dialed in. Our Fox co-workers are dialed in. “Vibes were defiantly high for what became a one day qualifying show for the pole after Saturday rained out,” wrote on Instagram from Indy. You’re damn right the vibes are high, Danica. America can feel summer building. It’s not just any summer. It’s the 250th celebration of this incredible piece of land we get to call home.
For the angry LIBS who hate this country and what it stands for, you better buckle up. We’re about to have a blowout summer.
• Moving along this morning, full disclosure, I watched approximately 15 minutes of the NBA’s Western Conference Finals after watching Game 7 of Montreal-Buffalo. I have no idea how any of you can truly stand watching the NBA product. During the 15 minutes that I watched, I saw maybe two minutes of actual game time.
How many timeouts do these coaches get? I swear they had like 10 timeouts per team to burn after every single basket. Even after free throws…TIMEOUT! It was completely worthless television. It was worse than college and that’s saying something.
My old buddy Kunkel is right.
• Yes, I watched MY Reds blow another late-inning lead. I’m not in a great spot with MY Reds right now. The bullpen was a disaster waiting to happen and it happened way before Memorial Day, which isn’t a great sign when the season goes until Sept. 27. I talked to my dad this morning who is forecasting this team could lose 100 games. I think that’s an overreaction, but I will mark today and take a look back in August.
• Wait, shopping malls are coming back? That’s news to me. I’ve been in just ONE mall that’s thriving – Somerset in Troy, Michigan – in the last five to 10 years.
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– Annette writes: Joe, I don’t know you or know of you…until today. You should receive an award for the best phrase ever: “…f-you money in perpetuity.”
My husband and I laughed until we cried. Bravo!
Kinsey: Welcome to the best daily column in the United States, as named by the readers, Annette. You might not like every edition of Screencaps, but I guarantee this column will not be boring. You’ll find little nuggets like that one that just pop into my head. This isn’t meant to be a traditional news column. I’m not here to impress you with big words. I’m here to inform, entertain and make you think on a daily basis.
Speaking of which, wait until you guys see the comments I got on the U-Haul nugget from Monday Screencaps.
– Retired reporter Beth emails:
The rule of thumb is one bridesmaid for every 50 invited guests. The maid/matron of honor do not count in this equation. Nor do flower girls. Ideally, there will be an equal number of groomsmen, again not counting the best man. Some weddings include ushers as well as groomsmen, which I find a terrible waste of time and money for a tuxedo used just to schlep guests to their seats.I believe the 1:50 ratio came about to (subtly) discourage brides from asking literally every friend since preschool to stand for her.
Bridesmaids should be your closest and dearest friends, sisters and maybe your kidney donor. I’ve attended weddings that featured more bridal party members than guests. This is the bride who, “Doesn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings.” For the same reason, these events typically go on for three hours as they slog through Bible readings, poetry recitations, solos, performances by a brass ensemble and string quartet, candle lightings, mother tributes, rose presentations, Holy Communion and snake handling.
As always in the perfect elegant event, less is more. Now to your original query about Miss Hunt’s 14 bridesmaids. 14×50=700 invited guests, which is extreme but not terribly tacky. There’s a fine line between society weddings and the nuptials that begin by calling all the cousins out from under the trailer with the broken skirting because, “The preacher done got here.” Another rule of thumb: the more people you invite, the bigger the risk of drowning in blenders, toasters and bath towels.
This is where the all important Bridal Registry comes into play. It is a sacred document that must be fulfilled. I don’t know what today’s brides do. In my day, brides, towing their surly grooms, spent an afternoon at our town’s most elegant department store, Leitzinger’s, choosing our desired gifts. All while an advisor followed us making suggestions and taking notes.
Then came the best part: a small table was set with our china, silver and stemware, matching linens and an information card featuring the exquisitely gorgeous calligraphy of Judy Helsel. That year, there were four brides in our newsroom. We went to Leitzinger’s every chance we got to stand and stare at our tables. We followed the national average, I’m sad to say. Only two of us are still married nearly 40 years later. I hope your adorable male mind can glean a few salient insights from my ramblings. I do enjoy sharing them with you. If ever again you need etiquette advice, I’m here.
And if you are invited to the Hunt-Green circus, send them a note explaining you planted a tree or named a star after them or donated a month’s operating budget to an animal shelter or soup kitchen. That’ll really piss ‘em off and they’ll never get the irony.
– Caleb in PA is back with more Hobby Lobby content: I thought the fall decor at hobby lobby was bad enough…but then my wife sent me photographic proof of this abomination today!
I just want all of you to know I see your emails and messages. There are just so many to go through that I cannot possibly respond to all of you, including the legacy readers who are hammering my personal Gmail.
This morning, The TODAY Show got in on the fun by doing its own Pizza Hut story recapping that the Hut is viral right now. Look, I’ll say it again: America could use a family spot where we can go after games to get a pizza. The Hut leaning into being the go-to place after travel ball, or soccer, or some other sport, is an admirable marketing campaign.
Now bring back the pitchers of draft beer for the dads.
– Chris A. tells me: Sirius does right by yacht rock. In addition to Channel 15, it has some internet only channels like Yacht Rock deep cuts, Yacht Country and Yacht Soul (I have Al Green and Marvin Gaye on my yacht rock playlist, so Yacht Soul sounds good to me). Spotify also has a yacht rock channel that throws in some mellow EDM, but I would need some convincing on that one.
I chuckled at the video of the zero-turn mower getting plucked from the pond. I would have left it in there if it was up to me. Give me a good old lawn tractor with an actual steering wheel!
Kinsey: I was a little surprised that Bo in AZ sorta attacked me and accused me of not listening to Yacht Rock in May. You’re damn right I was insulted. Just for that, I’m golfing this week and listening to Yacht Rock the entire time. I WILL NOT be out-Yacht rocked.
– Bo T. in AZ responds: Joe, I found it on the SiriusXM app on the Yacht Rock channel. Must be some kind of one-off as there are others as well (Slow Drift Mix, etc).
– Scott H. emails: Joe, on a sabbatical from work. Two weeks in Europe spent with my daughters. Alternate weeks. One thing on my travels has disgusted me. “Influencers” posing in contrived photos, with their whipped male companions, taking ridiculous photos at historical sites. Here’s what I think of them.
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That’s it on this rainy Tuesday with 36 holes of golf on my schedule this week. I cannot wait. I truly just want to get lost and hit a tiny ball for 6,000 yards. But, first, I must work. Write. Edit (sorta). Attend Zoom calls.
It’s time to get to work and pay the bills. Go have an incredible day of life.
