Welcome to a Wednesday edition of Nightcaps!
I hope you’re having a great week. I know I am.
I had my first-ever virtual doctor appointment yesterday. I felt like George Jetson with higher-than-it-should-be cholesterol.
It was incredible. I rolled out of bed. Threw on a sweatshirt and a ball cap (stayed in my sleeping shorts) and sat at my desk so the doctor could lecture me about what I should be doing if I want to not die.
The only thing is I left kind of annoyed that I have been going to that same doctor for years, getting up early, and driving about 25 minutes in rush-hour traffic just for him to ask if everything was cool and for me to go, “Yeah, sure is, doc.”
And, maybe the greatest part was that there was no waiting room. It was a nice change of pace to not have to endure some old lady hacking up a lung or some kid having a meltdown.
I may never show my face in that office again now that I know this is an option. If we can do this for doctors’ visits, how about the dentist, the DMV, or weddings for your wife’s friends?
Get on that technology eggheads!
Yesterday, we talked about Bryce Harper’s toothpaste application habits.
Frankly, they were wild. I mean, I didn’t think there was anyone on Earth who would shoot a blob of toothpaste straight into their mouth instead of putting it on the bristles like a human, but here we are.
At least another team wouldn’t use this quirk as Jumbotron ammunition.
…Oh, hang on… I’m being told that this happened almost immediately.
The Phillies were in San Diego on Tuesday for the second game of a three-game series, and when Harper stepped up to the plate, the Padres were quick to toothpaste shame the Phillies star.
I feel like this is diabolical.
Imagine being Bryce Harper in this moment. Everyone is looking at you like, “What a psycho,” and you can’t defend or explain your actions because you’ve got to focus on your at-bat.
If I were running a big-league team, I would have staff members whose job was to dredge up any weird quirks opponents have so we can plaster them on the Jumbotron.
If some guys slather ketchup on pasta, our fans would know about it, they’d shame him, and then he’d be rattled.
It’s like “Moneyball” but with public shaming.
One of the fun things about the internet is that you can be cruising around X looking at sports news, and then the next thing you know, you stumble across someone dropping lava into metal drink cups.
I don’t know who asked for the demonstration — maybe someone is in the market for an overpriced cup that needs to hold some molten metal — but they did it, and it’s kind of mesmerizing.
Wow. I bet there are some heads in hands at Stanley Cup HQ this morning.
They got boat raced by the folks at Yeti, home of the cooler you have to skip a car payment to buy.
But hey, if that cup can withstand magma, I think it can keep my coffee warm while I run into the post office.
Every sport needs a bad boy, and that extends to the world of canine agility competitions.
A li’l dachshund is going viral for making a statement, maaaaaaaan, and going out of its way to knock down every single cone in its way.
That’s very punk rock, isn’t it?
He’s like the GG Allin of dog agility obstacle courses… and if they didn’t take him outside to use the bathroom in time, maybe in more ways than one.
I love the smattering of applause from the crowd when he was like halfway through telling all of the cones to pound sand. Honestly, kicking over every cone like that is more impressive than weaving around them.
WWE SUPERSTAR NIKKI BELLA HAS A NEW BOOZY JOB TITLE AND COWBOYS CHEERLEADERS GO ABROAD
I love seeing old videos because, at the moment, it’s as close as we can get to a time machine (until I get the bugs worked out of my prototype), and this one is amazing.
Basically, a local news station stood outside a movie theater showing “Alien” and put parents who took their young kids to see the R-rated sci-fi horror film on blast.
That, in and of itself, is kind of hilarious. The Soviets were still a few months away from invading Afghanistan, so there must not have been much other news to talk about.
While the first father they talked to admitted that taking his young kid to see Alien may have been an error in judgment, the second father had no regrets.
Why not? Because what if the story of Alien proves to be true?
I wish this had happened to me. All my dad did was teach me how to change a tire and use a fire extinguisher.
If a Xenomorph walked through my front door right now, I’d be so screwed.
Hey, he might be on to something. I’m not a parent, but if I were, I would want my kid to know what to do if he were part of the crew of an interstellar freighter that had a stowaway insectoid alien on board.
No son of mine would stand there not knowing what to do when a baby alien comes ripping out of his buddy’s chest.
We need to track down the kid in this video, who has to be in his mid-to-late 50s. There’s no better childhood story than “My dad made me see ‘Alien’ when I was too young because he was convinced it might actually be a true story.”
We’ll end this edition of Nightcaps by revisiting one of my favorite videos ever.
Not too long after I started at OutKick in late summer 2022, I wrote about John Daly being given the great honor of throwing out the first pitch at a St. Louis Cardinals game.
And, boy, was it just the most perfect first pitch in the history of first pitches.
He rolls in with shorts and flip-flops, barely takes a second to drink in the moment, and fires an absolute missile from the rubber.
ZERO BS. JUST DAKICH. TAKE THE DON’T @ ME PODCAST ON THE ROAD. DOWNLOAD NOW!
And, to cap it off, Ms. Missouri throwing her first pitch somewhere between the upper deck and the Gateway Arch just made Daly look even better.
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That’s it for today’s edition of Nightcaps!
See you tomorrow!
